Today is my last chance

Over the past few months I have been trying really hard to get into the "Belly Laugh Bloggers" association. Only the very best of the best funny bloggers are members, so it means a lot to me. They only give you three chances, spaced one month apart between tries, and I have already been rejected twice. Admittedly, this is mainly because only my cat thinks I am funny. So this post will be my "do or die" attempt at membership. Cross your fingers for me. Or, if you live in South Africa, hold thumbs. If you live in Winchester, touch wood. If you live in Newark, hold your breath (it stinks in Newark.)

The thing is, in addition to membership, they also give your blog a rating, just like the movies, and I want to have the dirtiest rating possible, NC-17 (they don't have an XXX rating) - because the dirtiest blogs are the ones that get read the most. According to Ettarose and Chica anyway.

Those of you who read this blog, and my past failed attempts at other blogs, know that I am disadvantaged in this area. I WANT to be profane - truly I do - but my christian mother instilled too much class in my psyche to allow for much of that, even these decades later.

Fuh... fuh .... fuh...

See?

But I REALLY want to be accepted into this prestigious Belly Laugh Blogger's organization and be able to proudly display their really cool badge in my sidebar. This would be good for at least 9 new followers, I'm thinking.

What to do?

As is often the case, the answer was deceptively simple: Go read some Australian blogs. Duh. Reading Australian blogs will quickly dull your senses in general, or any sign of class or morality you might have. And so I did.

I settled on a tame cooking blog from the desolate Northern Territory (Near the Tropic of Capricorn ::wink wink nudge nudge::) that was so far out in the sticks even God didn't know it existed, so that any theft from the blog I might deem necessary would never be discovered in a million years. Especially if I "forgot" to link to it.

Anyway.

This is to say I have learned my lesson: twice rejected means I can't submit my own material. I'm just not good enough. Even I get that. Hence the theft of good material from a remote blogger who (a) won't even know I stole his or her post, and (b) is too far away to do anything about it even if he/she discovers what I did. Win-win, right?

Right now you may be thinking to yourself, "But he just told the world his entry is stolen material. What an idiot." Or something similar. But no. Entirely untrue. Here's why: See... what the Belly Laugh Bloggers admissions folks do is use a spider robot to crawl entries instead of having an actual human read them. Just like Google does when they rate your blog pages. (Belly Laugh Bloggers is a really huge organization, probably even bigger than Google, and they have all the same technology to do this.)

There is one major difference from Google, though, that I hope to capitalize on, and that is you can fool their 'bots with the repetitive use of key words. Google HATES it when you do that, and have trained their slimy 'bots to downgrade your page rank when you try it. But this loophole is still open with the Belly Laugh folks. Confused? Meh.

Keep reading. It may clear itself up.

I explain this only so you know, when you read the below Official Entry (final entry), should you choose to do so (and you may only read it if you are over 18 years old and not from Utah), that what I am trying to do is (a) gain entry to the coveted club; (b) obtain a really dirty one-time blog rating so a lot of people will think my blog is totally hip. Plus, as a bonus feature and for insurance purposes,  the material is stolen to boot. Win-win-win.

Without further ado ::drum roll with rim shots here:: here is my final (and, hopefully, successful) entry. Cross your fingers. Hold thumbs. Touch wood. Hold your breath. Praying is not appropriate.

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— Relax Max's official "Belly Laugh Bloggers" membership application post #3 —

My Recipe for Australian omelette

[Submitted by Matilda Waltzing —Alice Springs, NT]

Ingredients:

2 fucking eggs
some fucking salt and pepper
fucking chives
1 fucking knob [?] of fucking butter

Directions:

Heat the fucking butter in a fucking omelette pan.
Fucking break the fucking eggs into a fucking bowl.
Fucking whisk the fuckers and add some fucking salt and fucking pepper to taste.
When the fucking butter is hot, add the fucking mixture to the pan.
When cooked, take the fucking thing out.
Eat the fucker.

Note from Mrs. Waltzing: Fucking parsley or fucking chopped scallions may fucking be substituted for the fucking chives if you fucking want.

Personal advancement

I was just over at Lidian's "KitchenRetro" blog, reading her current post, and her retro ads reminded me of a telemarketing call I received several years ago about changing career fields.

The name of the company in question was something like "Foley-Belsaw" and they had ads on all the back pages of comic books and inserts in all the Sunday Parade magazines. Anyway.

At the time I was the Branch Manager for a Texas Savings & Loan, the tiny "branch" being located in far-away Albuquerque, New Mexico. Our purpose for existing was to originate mortgage loans, which the home office would then fund. This meant I spent half of my workday sucking up to real estate agents and getting them drunk enough to steer their buyers to my company when it came time for them to apply for their home loan, regardless of my interest rate. The rest of my day was spent fighting with FHA and VA bureaucrats, trying to convince them that my buyers were not really deadbeats, and the U.S. government should by all means insure or guarantee every loan package I placed in their in-baskets.

I was moderately successful. I may have even been responsible for the current economic crisis. Who knows. This was... ummmm... more than 10 years ago. I was a very young go-getter. Much too young and go-getting for such a responsible position which came with a new company car and a credit card, in addition to the keys to the office. But I was the only one who knew the ins and outs of government home loan programs (that's a different story) who lived in Albuquerque who was willing to work for a really paltry salary as long as I had a free shiny car to drive around. Plus the S&L president had no desire to leave Texas more than once, so he hired me immediately and I drove him to the airport and never saw him again.

The actual loan processing (verifications-collecting and government form typing) was done by my wonderfully inept secretary, Janice (not her real name)*, a young immigrant from England I had hired for an even paltrier salary because I owed her husband money. Janice was an incompetent typist who put all those extra "U"s in her words, who claimed to be a high school graduate from some unpronounceable inner-city London high school (not really unpronounceable, I just couldn't understand Janice), but was a friendly receptionist. Unfortunately it took her an hour to take a loan application because neither the husband or wife sitting in front of her desk could comprehend her accent. I don't know if it was cockney or what. It damn sure wasn't Oxford. Janice was my only employee. Affable, yet unwilling.

Honest to God, this post is really about a telemarketing call I received from Foley-Belsaw. Or whatever their name was.

So, one Saturday morning I am at home kicking back and the phone rings. A nice telemarketing lady from Foley-Belsaw. This was before the days when I automatically screamed obscenities and hung up on telemarketers.

Here I should say that as a teenager working at a movie theatre (that's how the owner spelled it) taking tickets for, like, $13 a week and sex from the popcorn girl down in the storeroom (also a different story), I was desperate enough to mail in a coupon for information about how to make something of my life from Foley-Belsaw. Or whatever their name was.

That is the only way I can think of that they got my name. Not sure how they got my phone number. Perhaps it was only a coincidence.

So the nice lady told me she was calling to help me improve my lot in life, employment-wise, and I'm thinking maybe she is going to help me get promoted to VP at the home office. Turns out her idea of career advancement involved learning how to repair small engines.

"Do you think you might be interested in something like that, sir?"

"Ummm... interested in WHAT?"

"Learning to repair small engines. Like boat motors and lawnmowers."

"No. Why would I?"

Here I could hear the pages in her script being shuffled in the background.

"Perhaps welding?"

"Welding? What about welding?" I still hadn't grasped the purpose of her call. "You're not from the home office, are you?"

"Yes, sir, I am. Foley-Belsaw. Or whatever our name is."

"Ummm... I work for a mortgage loan company. I am their local manager."

"Refrigeration."

"What?"

"I think your future might lie in repairing large commercial refrigeration units."

"Why would you think that?"

"I just do. Now let me just verify your mailing address... "

"Okay."

Pause.

"Well, sir, actually I don't HAVE your mailing address. I was wanting for you to give it to me."

"I don't think so. But I really appreciate your interest in me."

"Forestry technician."

Finally I got wise and hung up. But I said "Sorry, no thanks" before I did.

That's what Lidian's post today reminded me of.

*Actually Janice was her real name. Who cares?

Waterboarding is highly misunderstood

Waterboarding is getting a bad rap. Waterboarding needs to be "re-imaged" as the advertising world puts it.

See... in truth, waterboarding helps reverse global warming. There is entirely too much CO2 being emitted by the prisoners at Guantanamo. Who could argue with that? By injecting water, which is really high in oxygen content, up the noses of the offending emitters, the greenhouse emissions go down.

This is not just another wild claim by this blogger. It is a scientific fact.*

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Please note that the picture above is only an artist's rendering and you should NOT attempt to waterboard any terrorist in the manner shown in the illustration. For example, it is highly recommended that you tie the terrorist down and also lose the necktie. Otherwise, just as sure as Michelle Obama and Sarah Palin were both born in 1964, the terrorist is going to reach out and squeeze your cojones until water runs out of your own eyes. This will make it EXTREMELY hard for you to concentrate on the task at hand - and concentration is key during waterboarding. Alternatively, the terrorist may use your necktie as a lever to bounce your forehead off the wooden platform repeatedly. This is also not recommended when concentration is important.

*Not to be construed as an actual scientific fact.**

**But the process was actually investigated and confirmed by Nobel Prize-winning researcher, Dr. Moumad al-Gore.***

***Not to be construed as an actual truthful statement.

Doc

Doc Holliday (1851-1887).

Gambler. Gunfighter. Dentist. Friend of Wyatt Earp and participant in the Gunfight at the OK Corral in Tombstone, Arizona. Extremely well educated in the classics, mathematics, Latin, French, Greek. Doctor of Dental Surgery from Pennsylvania College of Dental Surgery. Participant in the Earp Vendetta. An extremely dedicated gambler. Died in Colorado of Tuberculosis.

Oh, those darned politicians!

Bush haters were pretty uncompromising about calling the former president a liar. Every little misjudgment or miscalculation or any act based on the advice of others was quickly called a Bush lie.

Because they cut Bush no slack or ever gave him the benefit of the doubt, I'm sure they won't mind if Obama is treated with the same respect they showed Bush.

Obama is a liar.

It would be hard to count the times when he stated in campaign speeches: "On my first day in office, I will call in the Joint Chiefs of Staff and order a close to the Iraq war."

Many people voted for Obama on that premise. Maybe enough to get him elected.

Today was his first day in office. He didn't call in the Joint Chiefs of Staff and order an end to the Iraq War.

Therefore, using the the same standard as the Bush haters use, Obama is a liar.

The first thing on the list will insure failure all by itself. So if you feel you cannot stick to a full and balanced program, at least practice number one.

1. Learn the habit of putting things off until tomorrow.

2. Learn the blame game. It’s not fair. It’s not your fault. You’re not responsible.

3. Be selfish. Take what you can get. The plight of others is not your concern.

4. Seek constant pleasure and instant gratification. Do not defer pleasure or rewards. Do not endure temporary hardship and unpleasantness. Look for shortcuts.

5. Be entitlement-minded: they owe it to you. You’ve got it coming.

6. Give up easily. Accept your lot in life. It wasn’t meant to be.

7. Don’t take risks. Never put yourself on the line. Protect what you’ve got. Build a protective bunker. They’re out to get you.

8. Never risk emotional pain, heartache, or the possibility of disappointment. Never expose your true feelings.

9. Do not set goals. You will only be disappointed when you don’t reach them. Be flexible and ready to change course at the first difficulty.

10. Understand that formal education is a waste of time. Learn to live by your wits and natural inclinations.

Is there a solution to Gaza?

According to an Associated Press article on January 11, 2009:

Israel launched its campaign in Gaza on Dec. 27 to stop rocket fire from the militant Palestinian group Hamas. Gaza health officials say nearly 870 Palestinians have been killed, roughly half of them civilians. Thirteen Israelis have also died.

The following are some points of view that have since been expressed in the media:

1. Israel should not have responded to the rocket attacks with force

2. Israel has a right to defend itself, but should have only used equal force

3. Israel should have tried to talk longer while continuing to endure the rocket attacks

4. Israel is an illegitimate state and should not be allowed to exist

5. Palestine is for Palestinians. The conflict will continue until Israel is driven out

6. Israel has the right to defend itself and to take whatever measures are necessary to remove the cause of the assault on its territory

Do any of these views match your own?

Also comment, if you wish, on how you feel this decades old struggle might be resolved.

If at all possible, please do your best to stick to the historical facts whenever you can, if you know them, but give your personal views and beliefs, even if you are not sure about the history of the conflict.