Saturday, August 15, 2009

Whackjobs for Jesus

[above] Ummm... No, he's not the next Billy Graham. He wears spats and ties made out of the same materials as his suits. He is the next Benny Hill.


[above] Clockwise from top left: Benny Hinn (NOT Benny Hill - that's T.J. Jakes, above), some black guy, Joyce something - the one with all the property, and then the other obnoxious woman; then Rev. Crafty Dollar (or something like that) and, finally, of course! - Kenneth Copland who owns 5 planes and half of Texas. God is really blessing him.


[above] The inestimable Pat Robertson, digitally signaling his IQ.


[above] An Oral grouping. One time Oral clumb up in one of the towers at his University in Tulsa and refused to eat or come down until his flock mailed in a few million dollars. But I think he really ate. Oral has been around since the 1940s and is well-respected by insane folk. Here's an old joke for you: "Why can't anyone play Oral Robert's records?" (and then you are supposed to say, "I don't know. Why...) and then I say, "Because the hole in the middle keeps healing up."
Ah, yes. You have to be an Oralite to get that one. In the picture above, his son Richard (the guy in back with his hand up in the air whose skunk streaked hair has finally turned one color), Kenneth (jet lag) Copeland, and some other old preacher, and various miscellaneous women are praying for the elder Oral's healing. I think. Either that or Kenny is trying to rip Oral's ear off. And at this stage in life, Oral's ears are monstously big. Notice how God heals all their hair so it is bright red when they get old.

Was it Oral who started his preaching-leaching career preaching from the top of the concession stand at drive in movies on Sunday mornings in the 1940s? Or was that the other guy - the one who looks like Bugs Bunny that owns the Crystal Cathedral? Maybe both. Drive in theaters must be pretty cheap to rent on Sunday mornings.


[above] Jimmy Swaggert.

I almost said "Jimmy Swaggert, 'nough said" but can anybody REALLY say enough about Jimmy Swaggert? Cousin of Jerry Lee Lewis and Mickey Gilly and a better piano player than either one of them, Jimmy - in his heyday - was a better showman than PT Barnum. I used to stay home from church on Sunday mornings just to watch him do his act. This guy could fill up any stadium ever made. His philanderings over the years have reduced his flock considerably, but the forgiveness crowd still earns Jimmy a tidy mail-in pension.
It was so cool how he got caught with that whore in the motel room that night. One of his rival evangelists was stalking him, and spied Jimmy's shiny Lincoln Town Car parked outside the motel and went over an let the air out of the tires and then called the tv station. So cool.
But Jimmy is a survivor. His wife is still with him and he has passed on the family business to his son Donny now. You may recall that his cousin Jerry Lee, at the peak of his rock and roll success in the 1950s decided it would be fine to marry his 14 year old first cousin and crash his stardom and lose all his money at his peak. That goes to show you the level of the gene pool in that family.

[above] Here's pastor John Hagee. John McCain lost quite a bit of the last election sucking up to Hagee and getting endorsed by him.

[above] I can't remember the above guy's name. Let's just call him "The Idiot" since he threw away thousands of prayer requests and letters from old ladies after taking out the checks. The IRS found them in a dumpster behind his office. Did I say "Idiot?" Well, I can't think of anything dumber right now, so we will leave it at idiot. Can you say f-r-a-u-d?


[above] A healer and his catcher go to work on a smiling dope. I think the healer is Ernest Angely unless that is Robin Williams trying to pick up a few extra bucks on the side.

[above] Don't laugh. HuyukHuyuk. This Porter Waggoner look-alike is one of the richest scammers in the religion business today. Multi-Multi millionaire. Together with his lavender-haired scary wife Jan, they own the Trinity Broadcasting Network. Worldwide calls for money, 24 hours a day.


[above] This here is the infamous Pakistani Poker, Bennie hinn. Him and Donald Trump's got the same hairdresser.

9 comments:

A. said...

I'm vaguely pleased that these people don't seem to appeal to the great British public, though I have no idea why that should be. We certainly have our share of whackjobs. (Thank you for that addition to my vocabulary - I looked it up to see if it was safe for me to use. Moderately. I won't go hog wild using it though.)

Stephanie B said...

I wish I hadn't been eating when I came across this.

(BTW - started in a drive-in and now has "Crystal Cathedral" - Robert Schuler).

The whole lot of them are one rung below lawyers in my estimation - and that's saying something.

I used to live in Oklahoma (home of Oral Roberts University) and I can remember Oral Roberts telling everyone "God was going to take him back to Heaven" if his followers didn't cough up $6 mill. I personally felt more inclined to pay money to get him to drop dead (though I really didn't care enough either way), but I was astonished that the gimmick not only worked, he upped the ante to $12 mill and got that, too.

Which argues to me that these whackjobs (your word) are just the tip of the iceberg. Crazy/stupid, yes, but not as crazy/stupid as the people who follow them.

Unfortunately, because these are the "Christians" who get the most press, many also equate Christians in general with these people - and that gives decent thoughtful Christians everywhere a bad rep.

Angelika said...

I agree with Stephanie B. Well said! :-)

soubriquet said...

These people are a symbol of something that mystifies me about the United States.
Clearly, you have a great nation which is at the forefront in many fields, a great place of learning and ability, yet at the same time, you have a huge poulation of superstitious, ignorant people.
You have populations who believe in the fire and brimstone end of days, you have snake wrestling reverends, in states across America, you have militias, marching, readying themselves for war with their own country's government, you have sheriff's departments and police departments at virtual war with each other, quite frankly, I'm amazed that America spends so much effort on invading other countries, and incarcerating random folk in Guantanamo, it seems that just serves to distract you all from the chaos within.
How can a country, a nation, that can send probes into the outer reaches of our solar system, remotely operate machines on the surfaces of other planets, need the same sort of charity volunteer medics to fly in and treat its citizens as the poorest countries on the globe?
A country that, to observe the internet, has a built-in joke about british dental treatment, yet doesn't seem to be aware of West Virginia, or Tennessee.
Where is Mr Roberts when people are dying from lack of access to medical care?
I'll stop there. I'm not accusing all of you of mass insanity, just a significant proportion. As with your mass worship of "The Flag", words fail me.

Stephanie B said...

I think Soubriquet has a point, too.

Debbie said...

I paid my way through school, because the only way Mumsy would pay and let me leave the nest was to go to Oral Roberts University. I am still in recovery, ;)

Princess said...

I was even planning to pretend I'd read this. Bugger me because the effort was too much. I'll try again tomorrow. I liked the previous post better. :)

Descartes said...

There must be something in the human physce that craves this kind of thing.

The Wife almost went to Jerry Falwell's Liberty University-ah the path not taken. . .

Relax Max said...

@A. - Sadly true. The British have become a skeptical curry-slurping ungodly lot. We don't even pray for you heathen any more.

"Whackjob" is from the Irish. Middle Irish.

@Stephanie B. - Shuler! That's the guy. Garden Grove. Or West Covina. Behind the Target store off Harbor Blvd. South of Anaheim. You know - the greater Disneyland area. And what a place it is! But he hasn't forgotten his roots - he still has outside speakers set up for drive-in cars. I'm sure they can't escape the collection bucket though.

They are pretty bad. I'm not sure I would go so far as to group them with lawyers. That's a bit harsh.

@Angelika - 'bout time you showed your face. :)

@Soubriquet - What?

@Debbie - Can't picture you at Oral Roberts. I still picture you on that billboard. It's hard to reconcile the two in my mind. :) But I'm glad you decided to do it on your own. Whew.

@Princess - I liked the previous post better too. This one was too hard to write. You don't actually have to read them. Just comment. :)

@Soubriquet - I think I take offense at that. And that, and that. :)

I will address your comments in a point-by-point detached manner:

1. Yes, I have a fine nation.

2. Like Yorkshire is the center of enlightenment.

3. Yes, my fine nation comes with its own built-in entertainment.

4. Our reverends don't wrestle snakes. They let snakes bite them to show God won't let them die. You forgot the strychnine-drinking. It is all very scientific.

5. Ah, the random harmless folk at Guantanamo. So true. And lack of access to medical care, dying everyday. Like flies. Like British toothaches. I don't know. :)

6. It isn't as bad as all that. You are just in a melancholy mood today.

7. The current generation cares nothing about patriotism, so don't despair.

8. Okay, I'm going out on a limb and thinking you are not PRAISING any of this fabulous stuff?

9. You unfairly malign the teeth and education of West Virginians and Vols. I think. Maybe not.

10. On the other hand, we are not dumb enough to support a huge family of royals. So there's that.

You didn't think I was going to be able to find 10 points, did you? Ha! An A. requirement I have learned/learnt to comply with with ease. :)

PS- good to have you back. I was beginning to think the RD mule had permanently distracted you. Welcome back.

@Descartes - I had almost forgotten the permanently-smiling Falwell and his university. And Bob Jones as well. This subject is just too large. I have bitten off more than I can chew. :)

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