Friday, September 11, 2009

Did you hear the one about... ?

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned. "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."
---------

Making tracks...

Three blondes are on a nature hike.
The first says "Look, rabbit tracks!"
The second replies "No... no... those are bear tracks."
The third one got hit by the train.
---------

That's a croc!

An Aussie drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar, and turns to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal," he says. "I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed.

"In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth. The the croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his jewels unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

After a while, the man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. They looked at each other nervously. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up...

"
I'll try it - just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"

8 comments:

Sheila said...

Signs of a one track mind there! :)

ettarose said...

I will say what you already know; I can relate to this post. Just sayin.

Stephanie B said...

Sigh.

Max, max, max.

Sage said...

rolflmao xx

Patchwork said...

Snort snort snort!

Giggle.

I like the alligator one. :)

Debbie said...

I don't understand....

Descartes said...

Practice safe eating—always use condiments.

Relax Max said...

@Sheila - I have no idea what you are talking about. :)

@Ettarose - I hope you can relate, because you are the champion humor blogger around here! :)

@Stephanie B - What? Whatwhatwhat?

@Sage - You have impeccable taste as usual. :)

@Patchwork - Thank you! Thank you! ::takes bow and credit as if he had made them up:: :)

@Debbie - Sorry blondie. I'll explain them to you later. Heh.

@Descartes - Yes. I agree. You go first. :)

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