I sure don't want anyone to think I am going out of my way to make fun of someone who is in an embarrassing situation. I would never do that. But the news reports on the ongoing saga of this billionaire's self-imposed tribulation is too funny to let go. So...
I will interpret the daily news gleaned from Google for you. ---------
Police Close Probe of Golf Pro's Auto Mishap; Woman Tells US Weekly That She Had Affair With Woods
A Los Angeles cocktail waitress claims she had a nearly three-year fling with golf superstar Tiger Woods, according to US Weekly magazine.
Golf star paid the fine but still faces public scrutiny over a possible affair.
Jaimee Grubbs, 24, told the magazine that she began having an affair with Woods in April 2007 and has since had 20 sexual encounters with the golfer. [Yeah, right. 20.]
The article, published today on the magazine's Web site, said that Grubbs claims to have more than "300 racy texts from Woods" as well as photos. [Whoa. Racy texts. "Hi bby. Lts fk, k?"]
Voicemails allegedly left by Woods on Grubbs' cell phone will be released on the magazine's site Wednesday, according to the report. [At least she is an honorable woman.]
Grubbs recently appeared on VH1's "Tool Academy." [Fitting. She's a tool.]
Messages left for Woods' attorney, Mark NeJame, were not immediately returned. [No shit? Really? Did you tell him your name was Emily Friedman and that you blogged free-lance for Yahoo?]
Woods apparently referenced the allegations of an affair in a statement on his Web site following his one-car accident last week. ["Apparently?"]
The statement praised his wife for "acting courageously" to help him after his accident and denounced "unfounded and malicious rumors that are currently circulating about my family and me." [Not so unfounded now, eh?]
He also said: "This situation is my fault, and it's obviously embarrassing to my family and me. I'm human and I'm not perfect." [You are also an idiot, Tiger. Don't forget that part.]
Related: WATCH: Tiger Woods Won't Show Up for His Own Golf Tourney Tiger Won't Show His Stripes At Golf Tournament [Oh, so clever, these journalists] Woods' Reputed Lover: 'Tiger and I Are Not Friends' [Soooo... that's why she is blabbing to all the tabloids, then?]
The Florida Highway Patrol announced today that Tiger Woods was issued a traffic citation for careless driving but will not face criminal charges stemming from last week's car crash. [I hate to be picky, but a traffic citation IS a criminal charge. Just sayin'.]
Woods was "at fault" for the car accident outside his Florida home Friday, said FHP Sgt. Cindy Williams, and faced a $164 fine and a four-point deduction from his license. [Is this the same Cindy Williams who was on LaVern and Shirley? She's cop now?]
Late Tuesday, Woods' lawyer NeJame said that the athlete had paid the fine. [I thought you said the lawyer wouldn't return phone calls. Oh. Just yours.]
"We are please with the outcome," said NeJame. "It's over." [You WISH it were over. Fat chance.]
There was "insufficient evidence" for authorities to subpoena medical records from Woods, according to FHP Sgt. Kim Montes, and so no criminal charges will be filed and the investigation has now concluded. [And I'm sure EVERYONE gets treated this way. Let me get this straight: two back windows broken out of his car and Tiger has a split lip and his wife is standing there with a five-iron in her hand, and there is "insufficient evidence"?]
Montes added that Woods' "celebrity status" did not have any impact on the investigation. [I'm sure everyone believes that. Thank you for pretending we are idiots.]
Earlier today, the lawyer for the neighbor who called 911 late last week after Woods' car crash said that the golf star's injuries appeared to be the result of the accident and not a domestic incident. [How would he know that if he were just standing there in the dark as he claims, while Tiger is lying in the street? Is the neighbor a medical doctor with zoom-vision?]
Cocktail Waitress Jaimee Grubbs Claims Tiger Woods Affair [Max has flashback and envisons the proud parents Grubb standing over their newborn daughter's crib and Dadgrubb says, "Let's name her Jaimeee, honey." "No, Oscar. Two "E"s are plenty."]
Bill Sharpe, the attorney for the family of Linda Adams and her son Jarius, who is believed to be the 911 caller, said that Woods' injuries were "consistent with a car accident" and "inconsistent with being beaten up." [Jarius? What about the golf club and the cussing Norwegian woman?]
"None of his injuries looked like he was beat up with a golf club," said Sharpe. [He had a split lip and facial injuries. What do you think a face looks like after a collision with golf club? You aren't all that Sharpe if you ask me. And why are we listening to you anyway. Why don't the police just do their job?]
The Adams family "comforted Mrs. Woods," who looked "upset," said Sharpe, speaking from his Orlando, Fla., law office. [Why would she be upset? She owns half of Tiger's Billion.]
Tigers appeared "woozy" when the Adams first saw him and instructed the golfer not to move until help arrived, said Sharpe. [The kid "instructed" woozy Tiger? Puhleeze. That's why he was lying in the street? Anyone think to check the golf club for blood and hair? Or would that be too much of an intrusion by the cops?]
Sharpe added that none of the Adams reported seeing any evidence that suggested a domestic dispute and did not hear anything that would suggest otherwise. No evidence of drugs or alcohol were seen on the scene by family either, said Sharpe. [And they don't expect any money from Tiger for saying that, either.]
Related Woman Linked to Tiger 'Very Lost' After 9/11 WATCH: Tiger Woods' Crash: A 'Private Matter' Woods Declares Crash 'a Private Matter;' Lawyer Says He Won't Talk With Cops [Next time you find yourself in a similar situation, tell the cops you won't talk with them.]
Adams is believed to have called authorities after Woods plowed his SUV into a fire hydrant and then a tree outside his Windermere, Fla., home early last Friday morning. [You "believe" he called 911? He SAYS he did. They have the 911 tapes. Maybe you are right.]
Woods' wife, Elin Nordegren, reportedly used a golf club to smash a window of his SUV to get him out. [So why not break out the passenger side window and reach in and unlock the door? Why break out both back windows instead? Vengeance is mine, saith the lord. Lucky she just happened to have a golf club in her hand at the time.]
Sharpe said today that his clients did not see any golf clubs at the scene of the accident. [Yeah? Well his wife says she had one and there are broken windows all over. Don't be stupid.]
But in the wake of the accident, during which Woods has stayed mostly mum about what happened -- even refusing to talk with police about the incident -- rumors have swirled around the possibility that an alleged affair between the athlete and night club hostess Rachel Uchitel may have been the cause for a domestic dispute. [What happened to Jaimeee Grubbb? Can't this guy just keep it in his pants?]
In the days prior to the car accident, Woods' reputed affair with Uchitel was reported first by the National Enquirer. That report spread following the car accident. [That ain't all that spread. Tiger's afraid to go to sleep now.]
Cocktail Waitress Jaimee Grubbs Claims Tiger Woods Affair Police Close Probe of Golf Pro's Auto Mishap; Woman Tells US Weekly That She Had Affair With Woods
But Uchitel denied any kind of affair with the golf superstar and called the rumors "ridiculous" in an interview with the New York Post today.
Related WATCH: Questions Surround Tiger's Car Crash WATCH: Tiger Woods 911 Call PHOTOS: Tiger Woods Crash Scene
"Not a word of it is true," Uchitel told the Post. "It's the most ridiculous story. It's like they are asking me to comment if there are aliens on Earth."
Uchitel said Woods had been to the New York City club where she worked, and she did escort Woods and his group in and out, but that was the extent of their contact. [We'll revisit these indignant denials in a couple weeks and see if she forgot anything.]
Yesterday, Woods withdrew from the golf tournament that was scheduled to begin today and recused himself of his hosting duties, citing unspecified injuries he suffered from the mysterious crash. [Plus he still can't walk straight. I think you mean "excused". He's not a judge.]
"I am extremely disappointed that I will not be at my tournament this week," Woods said in a statement posted on his Web site. "I am certain it will be an outstanding event, and I'm very sorry I can't be there." [But I just can't bring myself to touch a golf club right now.]